Monday, December 8, 2014

That wall

I know this is like my 3rd post today.

But...

 All I could say is, I lost all real feeling by now. I am pretty sure about that now.

Oh well, that barrier is up again perhaps.


And I am now nearly 4 years of abstinence of hard alcohol. Which is good. Right?

But now, I really want a good bottle of smirnoff, or a cup of wine.

SIgh

I am the type of person, who rarely be herself. Not because she is afraid of others' perception on herself, but she was never comfortable to be herself in the first place.

She is the type of girl, whom many thought they know her as herself. Truth is, nobody do. Only the ones who could see her as her own. Does that even make anymore sense?

She is the type of girl who wants to be herself, but it feels as if it was never meant to be.

I guess maybe she has been too much during the past 5 years. I guess I had been through a lot the last 5 years.

I always refer to myself as she, is that weird? Maybe because I am always away from my own mind at times.

She sometimes still cries herself to sleep. Or even tries not to.

The pillow is still the one that feels good to hug, that varsity jacket is still the most comfortable, as if he was still hugging me.

To be honest, I don't think mentally, she could handle anymore of this.

I know for sure she can't, but how to let her know that?

All I could do everyday, is to make myself become very tired with various things to do.


Before this ends...

To be honest, every since May 2013, I can't write what I used to love to write, about love.

I guess my last relationship had taken away what I really love, writing. I remember writing every single thing, turning every single memory into a page length story. I remember every single feeling I had with the past relationships, the simple love, the feeling of a hug, the simple peck of a kiss, all onto a piece of paper. I guess its all over now.

Before the year ends, all I know is:
- I still have problems with physical touch, whether from friends and all.
-I saw my voice improve throughout the semester (even though not as much of an improvement compared to last year, but my voice have finally stabilized a few weeks ago).
-I have already given up in love now.
-I finally come to terms with my own enemy, myself.
-I am still as clueless as I am.

About the giving up in love part, its true. I don't bother about it anymore now. I see no point in even looking.

I used to believe that 'if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you'. Now I see a new phrase, 'chase for what you think should be yours'. I give up in chasing anymore.

Now, I chase for different things. I am chasing my dream. My dream ever since 11, was to be an educator. What educator at that time, I was not sure. Now, I know, to be an educator of music. To nurture the world about music. To even nurture myself about it.

I have improve in my musicianship skills this year, but its still not enough.

I want to become a musician, not a pianist nor a singer.

I am growing a lot as a singer, and still growing. I don't feel I am growing as much as a pianist. I plan to teach both instruments, and maybe some sideline singing in the future, but more towards teaching.

I hope to fulfill my current dream, and hopes too.

Till then.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Get the fuck out of my life

Your sour attitude do not define who I am,
Your lies and rumours of me do not define me,
Your mindset about me,
Doesn't show who I truly am.
Get the fuck off my life.
And don't be such a lifeless fuck,
Who expects me to respect you,
When you are like this to everyone.
I am avoiding not because I am scared,
But because I feel I shouldn't see such a scumbag like you,
Everyday,
And make my life so miserable.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Panic

I can't breathe, my sight is blurring me. I hear nothing but the intensified gasps I make for air. I struggle to see light, to hear sound, to feel my surroundings, but everything is turning dark and quiet.

That was how I felt when I am in the midst of noise and people I am either not fond of or strangers. Or when I feel utterly alone. This can happen when I am with people I know, people I love, with strangers, or even when I am alone. I can go into silent panic attacks, sweaty hand, sweat all over. And I breathe heavy.

I hear nothing, just nothing. I can't even see anything. But I hear one thing, I feel one thing. "Are you okay? Wake up! You alright? Mabel, can you hear me?" I felt calm, I felt right, I felt normal.

Sometimes I can wake up from everything, sometimes I can't.

I feel someone's arm around me, breathing with me.

But now that I am dependent, I have to wake up. And never fall back again.

I saw his bright eyes, his ruffled hair, his worried frown. "Thank God you're alright!"

Oh how I wished I could just fall back knowing I have someone to look out for me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Saturday, August 9, 2014

LDRs?

I salute those who went through a long distanced relationship, and succeeded.

In LDRs, physical contact is never there, that's why we don't fall in love with looks, sexual attraction or other materialistic stuff, but on the stripped down personalities of each other. No kisses, no hugs, no way of finding the other half when you need them. The only thing you would have, is communication.

Isn't all love and relationships should be based on communication? I think it should be. LDRs test this. You only could look at each other through a screen, hear each other's voice through the phone, but can't feel the beside you, holding you and such.

To be honest, I thought I despise LDRs. But, both of my past relationships are based on that. I only could meet my first boyfriend once a week, or even once a month because we stay in different parts of the state and we were just 14 and 15 then. But he left for the land down under, and I thought I couldn't take LDRs. The second one, was basically 99% communication through the phone, social media and letters. That 1% was when I first met him face to face. Isn't that considered a LDR? To me at that time wasn't, because we were still in the same country. But when he left for his studies in the UK, I couldn't stand it. Wasn't 2 of those scenarios both a LDR? What was I thinking? Because of the fact I thought I could not stand a LDR, I had to break it? I was in one all this while.

What is wrong with me?