I read an article a couple of days ago, it hit me hard to be honest. It was saying that whether did you really fall in love truly or falling in love because of loneliness? To be honest, I don't really know whether have I ever done the first? But I sure know I did the latter.
My first relationship, was a producy of curiosity of 2 adolescents. By that I mean, we were both curious. And maybe there were feelings involved, can't remember the little details, but I know I have grown to love him then.
It was somewhat a long distanced relationship to me at that time. I was 12 going on to 13. He was a year older then. My parents didn't agree to having crushes let alone a relationship, so we don't meet at all during school days and week nights. Only on Sundays, and maybe Saturdays sometimes. His parents were okay with the idea of him in a relationship. Puppy love, they said. He had his short temperedness I have to endure (and literally fight about). I had him as my biggest secret to hide for 4 effing years. So yeah, it was never fine and dandy.
We have some bad days and also pretty awesome 'good' days. Those bad days I used to call them as 'off days'. Meaning? Total silent treatment. Hahah. I don't want to reach into that, because he still reads this blog I have here. Those good days? Well, little rituals we have. We never go on 'dates'. We hang out. Our little hang outs consists of archery, bowling, movies, just walk around the mall, hang out at his place are a few. Oh yeah, and me doing his English homework.
We have special days too. One of them was his prom night. And those little casual night when he invites me and his friends for a game night of such. He knows I have a tinge of claustrophobic in me. Well, actually he notices that first. I avoid physical contact like holding hands for example or go in crowds. I normally scatter off or feel giddy. This used to tick him off at the start. But now he understands.
Well, get back to the topic. Yeah, I have really fallen for this dude. But, I didn't fall for him when we got together first. So, I can't really say that I love him from the start till the end. But I love him from the moment I did, even till now.
When he left for migration, I felt lost. Heck, I WAS LOST. Its like a missing piece left and I had no direction in life anymore. I became depressed. I guess my next relationship came in too fast in my heart broked depressed state.
The next guy was sweet and such. I knew too many not needed info of him when we became acquainted. But no need for that. Slowly, I think I fell for him also. And he found out about that. He said he felt the same too, and well, we got together. I felt very happy then. Maybe because that empty void was filled.
He was okay I guess. He was older than the first. a year older than the first. Deem more experienced? Maybe. More mature? Not likely. He has the worst level of jealousy. I have guy friends also. And what's more? He tries to make me jealous. I let you to decide whether is that suppose to me okay.
He and I, that is a long distanced relationship. Throughout my 1 year relationship with him, I only met him officially as his girlfriend once. In my high school choir's musical. He is from Sarawak Kuching, but was studying at Seremban at that time. Which reminds me, before I started dating him, I knew he was leaving for the UK for furthur studies, and yet I even agreed to get together with him. And I was like anti LDR by then. That is what love does to people. Make 'em blind.
During that one time he met me, he knew I was afriad still of physical contact unless I am very comfortable with the dude. Yet, he still wanna try his luck. He was damn lucky we were in public and my Pet sis was there. If not he would get a slap from me.
To be honest, these are all not the worst points of him. The worst was after we broke up.
We broke off because he was leaving. I can't stand the 10 hour time difference. To be honest, writing this out is still painful. But I wanna get this out in the light.
Normal people would stop any contact of each other after breaking off.
Not him. He said he wanna keep in contact like we used to. Used to. Used to was when we were dating. We did not become friends before we started dating. Just mere acquaintance. So, he said let's try to be friends. Hell that was hard because he wasn't treating me like one. More like his gf with benefits. He knew I still love him then. But I kept quiet. Bad idea. I asked him one day whether do we wanna try this again. I was giving a LDR a chance. He said, 'I think I have fallen for another...' That was a fucking blow to me. But it was not the last. I fell for my roommate, I fell for my coursemate, I fell for my friend. yadayadayada....
I was stringed, toyed, emotionally tempered with for another extra year and a half before I decided to block all contact from him.
Getting back to the topic, yeah, I had been in love because of being alone. And maybe truly I was in love once. But, all relationships are never perfect to me. I know that well enough. But don't ever string me along. Its painful.
Now, I am happy and single. With weird feelings of like falling for someone in my uni. But, I am pushing all that away. I am letting it go naturally.