Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Panic

I can't breathe, my sight is blurring me. I hear nothing but the intensified gasps I make for air. I struggle to see light, to hear sound, to feel my surroundings, but everything is turning dark and quiet.

That was how I felt when I am in the midst of noise and people I am either not fond of or strangers. Or when I feel utterly alone. This can happen when I am with people I know, people I love, with strangers, or even when I am alone. I can go into silent panic attacks, sweaty hand, sweat all over. And I breathe heavy.

I hear nothing, just nothing. I can't even see anything. But I hear one thing, I feel one thing. "Are you okay? Wake up! You alright? Mabel, can you hear me?" I felt calm, I felt right, I felt normal.

Sometimes I can wake up from everything, sometimes I can't.

I feel someone's arm around me, breathing with me.

But now that I am dependent, I have to wake up. And never fall back again.

I saw his bright eyes, his ruffled hair, his worried frown. "Thank God you're alright!"

Oh how I wished I could just fall back knowing I have someone to look out for me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Saturday, August 9, 2014

LDRs?

I salute those who went through a long distanced relationship, and succeeded.

In LDRs, physical contact is never there, that's why we don't fall in love with looks, sexual attraction or other materialistic stuff, but on the stripped down personalities of each other. No kisses, no hugs, no way of finding the other half when you need them. The only thing you would have, is communication.

Isn't all love and relationships should be based on communication? I think it should be. LDRs test this. You only could look at each other through a screen, hear each other's voice through the phone, but can't feel the beside you, holding you and such.

To be honest, I thought I despise LDRs. But, both of my past relationships are based on that. I only could meet my first boyfriend once a week, or even once a month because we stay in different parts of the state and we were just 14 and 15 then. But he left for the land down under, and I thought I couldn't take LDRs. The second one, was basically 99% communication through the phone, social media and letters. That 1% was when I first met him face to face. Isn't that considered a LDR? To me at that time wasn't, because we were still in the same country. But when he left for his studies in the UK, I couldn't stand it. Wasn't 2 of those scenarios both a LDR? What was I thinking? Because of the fact I thought I could not stand a LDR, I had to break it? I was in one all this while.

What is wrong with me?

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Sweet dreams

I remember having to read that same text, hearing that same line, hearing that same voice every single before I sleep:

"Sweet dreams my darling..."
"Sweet dreams my sweetheart."
"Goodnight my love"

Where has that gone?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

I give up...

I give up. I don't know whether my decision is right now. I thought it would be. But now, with some people supporting me, and others not, I don't even am I even suppose to be in the correct path. I don't even know what is the right path anymore. All I know is, if I don't follow my heart and my mind into this, I may spiral into the wrong one, and my life would be the consequences.

It feel so hard to want to cry, but yet I can't and won't want to.

Lord, help me. I need you.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Help

I take my bottle of whiskey and took a stroll on the beach, at night. I sit by the wall, just my feet on the wet sand.

I see the stars on the dark sky. My emotions moving towards to sad rather than calm. I really just want to get drunk, and cry by the corner. I want someone to hold, and hug. But, I don't have that person no more. Sigh.

I want someone, anyone.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Truly, time never heals. Time only numbs.

Truly, I believe that line. How stupid of me that if I gave more time to myself, I would heal eventually. Right? Wrong.

I just noticed that my ex blocked me from certain photos so that it would not pop up in my news feed. But, as a very sentimental person, or maybe a stupid one, I do go back to his account and just catch up a bit on his life. But whenever I do so, I get so depressed and emotional I just switch it all away.

I just noticed my ex has a new girl, or maybe I am mistaken. But then, when was I ever mistaken for things that others can't see, but only I could.

I had been depressed for awhile. From school work, to verbal harassment, to past failed relationships, and just my life in general. I have even contemplated of killing myself. Or, just some random vehicle crash into me. Just something that I could die. I really do not want to spiral into that black hole again.

Verbal harassment in school is killing my mental health. I feel like crying every single day, and not due to study stress, but harassment stress.

What is wrong with me? Why do I want myself dead. Why?