Saturday, December 20, 2014
I always wished that I will be in a relationship,
Full of roses and rainbows,
I was young,
But to me,
Love was just a bed of beautiful roses.
I had my wish,
I had a boyfriend during that time,
I was happy.
All puppy love ends.
I was blessed enough to have been in another at the age of 16,
It was never a bed of roses at times,
But there were some moment.
It ended very sadly.
If I were to find someone again,
I don't want it to be a bed of flowers,
But to be my future.
Monday, December 8, 2014
All I could say is, I lost all real feeling by now. I am pretty sure about that now.
Oh well, that barrier is up again perhaps.
And I am now nearly 4 years of abstinence of hard alcohol. Which is good. Right?
But now, I really want a good bottle of smirnoff, or a cup of wine.
She is the type of girl, whom many thought they know her as herself. Truth is, nobody do. Only the ones who could see her as her own. Does that even make anymore sense?
She is the type of girl who wants to be herself, but it feels as if it was never meant to be.
I guess maybe she has been too much during the past 5 years. I guess I had been through a lot the last 5 years.
I always refer to myself as she, is that weird? Maybe because I am always away from my own mind at times.
She sometimes still cries herself to sleep. Or even tries not to.
The pillow is still the one that feels good to hug, that varsity jacket is still the most comfortable, as if he was still hugging me.
To be honest, I don't think mentally, she could handle anymore of this.
I know for sure she can't, but how to let her know that?
All I could do everyday, is to make myself become very tired with various things to do.
I guess my last relationship had taken away what I really love, writing. I remember writing every single thing, turning every single memory into a page length story. I remember every single feeling I had with the past relationships, the simple love, the feeling of a hug, the simple peck of a kiss, all onto a piece of paper. I guess its all over now.
Before the year ends, all I know is:
- I still have problems with physical touch, whether from friends and all.
-I saw my voice improve throughout the semester (even though not as much of an improvement compared to last year, but my voice have finally stabilized a few weeks ago).
-I have already given up in love now.
-I finally come to terms with my own enemy, myself.
-I am still as clueless as I am.
About the giving up in love part, its true. I don't bother about it anymore now. I see no point in even looking.
I used to believe that 'if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you'. Now I see a new phrase, 'chase for what you think should be yours'. I give up in chasing anymore.
Now, I chase for different things. I am chasing my dream. My dream ever since 11, was to be an educator. What educator at that time, I was not sure. Now, I know, to be an educator of music. To nurture the world about music. To even nurture myself about it.
I have improve in my musicianship skills this year, but its still not enough.
I want to become a musician, not a pianist nor a singer.
I am growing a lot as a singer, and still growing. I don't feel I am growing as much as a pianist. I plan to teach both instruments, and maybe some sideline singing in the future, but more towards teaching.
I hope to fulfill my current dream, and hopes too.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Your sour attitude do not define who I am,
Your lies and rumours of me do not define me,
Your mindset about me,
Doesn't show who I truly am.
Get the fuck off my life.
And don't be such a lifeless fuck,
Who expects me to respect you,
When you are like this to everyone.
I am avoiding not because I am scared,
But because I feel I shouldn't see such a scumbag like you,
And make my life so miserable.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
That was how I felt when I am in the midst of noise and people I am either not fond of or strangers. Or when I feel utterly alone. This can happen when I am with people I know, people I love, with strangers, or even when I am alone. I can go into silent panic attacks, sweaty hand, sweat all over. And I breathe heavy.
I hear nothing, just nothing. I can't even see anything. But I hear one thing, I feel one thing. "Are you okay? Wake up! You alright? Mabel, can you hear me?" I felt calm, I felt right, I felt normal.
Sometimes I can wake up from everything, sometimes I can't.
I feel someone's arm around me, breathing with me.
But now that I am dependent, I have to wake up. And never fall back again.
I saw his bright eyes, his ruffled hair, his worried frown. "Thank God you're alright!"
Oh how I wished I could just fall back knowing I have someone to look out for me.