Thursday, April 9, 2015

Emotional Pain

I hate feeling physical pain, but emotional, mental pain hurts so much more.

Now, for some apparent reason, I feel pain. From anxiety.

For so long I have not felt panic attacks, sudden emotional breakdown or anything of the likes.

For months, I tried feeling genuinely happy. And I did. Even when there was stress.

I had no relationship stress issues, nor any suicidal thoughts, or emotional breakdown.

And yet, I feel like this now.

I feel only pain. Since I drove back from home.

I feel only pain.

And it sucks.

Why do I feel like this again?

I feel as though I want to break down and have a good cry, but my mind is not letting me do that.

It sucks when this happens.

Now I just feel like crap.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I see no future.

Looking through the fields and beyond, with the solid wind blowing through my hair. Around me, the smell of grass and dirt. With stones and pebbles just below the soles of my feet. I see the swing hanging by the tree. All this is just beyond me. I walked towards it. I hand gently touched the thick, sturdy rope. This swing brought me so many memories. I decided to just give it a spin on the swing. While the swing moves in a pendulum form, my mind wanders back to the depths of my past.

I remember this boy, the one who lives a blocks down. When we met, we were just 8 years old. We would play on this exact same swing all day, he pushes me, and I pushed him. It was so innocent, and yet so much fun. We were friends for so many years, until at 16, we kinda fall more from a basic friendship, to really best buddies. And well, it went odd for me, I began falling for him. Hormonal and all, I did fall for him.

But I could not imagine having him in my future, no doubt I like him. But, I just can't see it.

All I have with me is my own feelings, and a mind telling me its just a phase.

Even now, I feel that way.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

I'm sorry

This was found in my phone. I decided to share it. It was from my ex after I went for his father's funeral. I felt so bad that he still likes me. But, not that I don't love him anymore. I still do. But I don't see any future between us. I am sorry. *

Those tiny baby hair that falls on the nape of her neck, 
Wisps of hair runs loose in front of her ear,
Oh so much I wanted to just put those baby hair back behind her ear. 
But, we are no more together. 
Not for the last 5 years. 
Those familiar eyes that I known for so long,
Those lips that always reply me,
That personality that I had fallen for so many years back. 
Now with such a sassy character in her,
And such a voice!
After not listening to her for so long,
Not hearing her sing like that.
But she is no longer mine. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Future

When I was 12,
I always wished that I will be in a relationship,
Full of roses and rainbows,
I was young,
But to me,
Love was just a bed of beautiful roses.

I had my wish,
I had a boyfriend during that time,
I was happy.

But,
All puppy love ends.

I was blessed enough to have been in another at the age of 16,
It was never a bed of roses at times,
But there were some moment.
But again,
It ended very sadly.

Now,
If I were to find someone again,
I don't want it to be a bed of flowers,
But to be my future.

Monday, December 8, 2014

That wall

I know this is like my 3rd post today.

But...

 All I could say is, I lost all real feeling by now. I am pretty sure about that now.

Oh well, that barrier is up again perhaps.


And I am now nearly 4 years of abstinence of hard alcohol. Which is good. Right?

But now, I really want a good bottle of smirnoff, or a cup of wine.

SIgh

I am the type of person, who rarely be herself. Not because she is afraid of others' perception on herself, but she was never comfortable to be herself in the first place.

She is the type of girl, whom many thought they know her as herself. Truth is, nobody do. Only the ones who could see her as her own. Does that even make anymore sense?

She is the type of girl who wants to be herself, but it feels as if it was never meant to be.

I guess maybe she has been too much during the past 5 years. I guess I had been through a lot the last 5 years.

I always refer to myself as she, is that weird? Maybe because I am always away from my own mind at times.

She sometimes still cries herself to sleep. Or even tries not to.

The pillow is still the one that feels good to hug, that varsity jacket is still the most comfortable, as if he was still hugging me.

To be honest, I don't think mentally, she could handle anymore of this.

I know for sure she can't, but how to let her know that?

All I could do everyday, is to make myself become very tired with various things to do.


Before this ends...

To be honest, every since May 2013, I can't write what I used to love to write, about love.

I guess my last relationship had taken away what I really love, writing. I remember writing every single thing, turning every single memory into a page length story. I remember every single feeling I had with the past relationships, the simple love, the feeling of a hug, the simple peck of a kiss, all onto a piece of paper. I guess its all over now.

Before the year ends, all I know is:
- I still have problems with physical touch, whether from friends and all.
-I saw my voice improve throughout the semester (even though not as much of an improvement compared to last year, but my voice have finally stabilized a few weeks ago).
-I have already given up in love now.
-I finally come to terms with my own enemy, myself.
-I am still as clueless as I am.

About the giving up in love part, its true. I don't bother about it anymore now. I see no point in even looking.

I used to believe that 'if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you'. Now I see a new phrase, 'chase for what you think should be yours'. I give up in chasing anymore.

Now, I chase for different things. I am chasing my dream. My dream ever since 11, was to be an educator. What educator at that time, I was not sure. Now, I know, to be an educator of music. To nurture the world about music. To even nurture myself about it.

I have improve in my musicianship skills this year, but its still not enough.

I want to become a musician, not a pianist nor a singer.

I am growing a lot as a singer, and still growing. I don't feel I am growing as much as a pianist. I plan to teach both instruments, and maybe some sideline singing in the future, but more towards teaching.

I hope to fulfill my current dream, and hopes too.

Till then.