Thursday, July 24, 2014

Help

I take my bottle of whiskey and took a stroll on the beach, at night. I sit by the wall, just my feet on the wet sand.

I see the stars on the dark sky. My emotions moving towards to sad rather than calm. I really just want to get drunk, and cry by the corner. I want someone to hold, and hug. But, I don't have that person no more. Sigh.

I want someone, anyone.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Truly, time never heals. Time only numbs.

Truly, I believe that line. How stupid of me that if I gave more time to myself, I would heal eventually. Right? Wrong.

I just noticed that my ex blocked me from certain photos so that it would not pop up in my news feed. But, as a very sentimental person, or maybe a stupid one, I do go back to his account and just catch up a bit on his life. But whenever I do so, I get so depressed and emotional I just switch it all away.

I just noticed my ex has a new girl, or maybe I am mistaken. But then, when was I ever mistaken for things that others can't see, but only I could.

I had been depressed for awhile. From school work, to verbal harassment, to past failed relationships, and just my life in general. I have even contemplated of killing myself. Or, just some random vehicle crash into me. Just something that I could die. I really do not want to spiral into that black hole again.

Verbal harassment in school is killing my mental health. I feel like crying every single day, and not due to study stress, but harassment stress.

What is wrong with me? Why do I want myself dead. Why?

Monday, May 26, 2014

Help me.

I know it will all be well, but, please make me strong to know its going to be well. Because I don't feel well, emotional, mentally and physically.

I feel...

In the dark hall,
I see nothing.
I feel something.
I hear everything.

I hear music,
I hear sounds,
I hear noise,
I hear love.

Beautiful music,
Depicts the love of Romeo and Juliet,
In a modern setting,
But the same love.

I hear the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the tears,
I feel the pain.

I feel the mark,
The mark where your lips had been,
On my tear-stained cheek.
I feel the grasp,
In my left hand,
I feel the box,
In my right hand.

In my left was your hand in mine,
Twirling your thumb in my small palm,
Me holding tight.
In my left was a box,
A blue box.
A box full of gifts by you,
A necklace,
An accessory,
A letter,
A self-composed piece.

I didn't want to let go to anyone of them in my hands.
But you knew that that would be our first,
Our last date.
That would be my last of seeing you,
And it was the last time I could slap you,
For what you did in the future after that.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

7 Stages

You know, when a person looks back in a relationship they were in, is only when they have broken up. I don't think anyone looks back into a relationship, remembering every single little detail. Nobody in a good relationship would do that, only the ones who misses it.

I watched a video just a couple of hours ago. And it was how this main actress move on from a break up and how to forget about it. She mentioned the 7 stages of a break up:

Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Denial
Stage 3: Isolation
Stage 4: Anger
Stage 5: Bargaining
Stage 6: Depression
Stage 7: Acceptance

I somehow find it very true. Well, in my 1st relationship though. I did go through all 7 stages one after the other. I remembered the shock I felt when the relationship was going downhill. I knew it was coming, but I denied whatever I thought wouldn't happen. When it did, I literally just pull everything I thought I once knew back to my own thoughts, my own mental prison. And well, the anger did come. You have no idea how much I told myself that I have gotten over him, I've moved on. But in reality, I haven't. The depression came soon after. The moments when I could cry at night until I no longer can. How I close my own feelings to other people around me. Then, I accept the fact that whatever happened, has gone. Yeah. That was how it went.

But it did not go like that in my 2nd one.

I didn't received the shock of a break up, because I was the one who wanted to break it off. But I did see the denial. I thought whatever happened, is not real. Like, how could it? Then, I have anger. That was prominent, but it did not happened for a short period of time. Well, it was like a tug-o-war, I fell back for him for too many times. So the anger comes back from time to time. When I really know it was over, whatever I felt was gone, isolation stepped in. I literally just put myself in that mental prison of thoughts. I accepted the fact he was no longer mine. And that was the painful part. Best of all, I fell into deep depression. I kept having thoughts of the past with him come up every waking moment. I thought I was getting better, but in a far fetched reality, I haven't.

I am still working on accepting what has happened, even though we did officially broke off 30 months ago. But mentally my mind have just left the depression stage and into accepting.

The video was good nevertheless. And I came across an article saying, "Find a man who loves you more". Twice I did, twice it didn't worked out. So, what now? Still following that same route? Because, in both of my past relationships, the guy fell for me first, then only then I learned to love them. But I got deeply, both mentally and emotionally, attached to them that I have such a hard time to move on.

So, what now?

Friday, May 9, 2014

Strong

Have you ever thought that I could go on without you? I have. Well, maybe so. But, I know I have. I am in a strong present, stronger than ever. And you will see me as that.
And regret not taking hold of me when you said you would.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Left Or Right?

On the road,
With two road forks,
One leading to loneliness,
The other to fulfilment.

I am just sitting here,
In front of the two,
Hoping for a third path,
Called love.