Sunday, June 24, 2012

Same Process

I guess I am just pushing everything that is happening around me too far,
I need to start from the top,
And let time fall along with me,
Not against me.

Suddenly like someone just bashed me in the head,
Telling me to wake up from this dream,
Or nightmare,
Telling me it is okay,
Everything is fine,
All I need to do is refocus on what I am doing in life,
And forget what the past had given to me,
All the unnecessary pain that it had inflicted on.

I finally came to my senses,
No doubt the wound is still fresh,
The pain is still around,
At least I know that it is there,
And that I can help myself before I sink back into the depths of depression again.

Now I know what I am facing,
I know how to get ready,
I know what to do when I get hurt again,
I built a wall,
A pillar,
Or a fort,
To protect my current vulnerable state,
From anymore emotional pains.

And from there,
I slowly heal myself,
Letting time takes it course,
Knowing that I wouldn't be healed fully,
Until someone is there to help me forget,
And embrace the future,
But the stakes are high,
And I may get hurt again from the same person that is trying to help me forget,
And the process continues once more.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Losing Point of Life (Poem)

Physical pain never really hurt me,
Emotional pain does. 
How I wish such things never exist,
So that your feelings are never rupture,
But time and time again,
The same ol' person is the culprit,
The one I thought would never hurt me,
End up hurting you the most. 

You wish that it never happen,
But it did. 
You wish that you shouldn't have fallen into this,
But you did. 
You wish that all becomes well, 
But it never did. 

Whether there are words, 
Gestures, 
Memories, 
Reality, 
Dreams,
it all came back and haunt me. 

Because of all the mixed signs you had given me. 
The ones that I thought would never appear again,
Gave me useless hope,
Useless dreams,
Left me tears that shed unfinished. 

You left me at this state, 
You left me at a vulnerable point of time, 
Where I lost track of my senses,
My directions in life.

Everything around me, 
Inside of me,
The reality, 
Even the dreams, 
Does not bring comfort I used to seek.

Ultimately, 
Everything will kill me,
Again and again,
On the inside.

Nothing Extra, per se.

I never took noticed of you before. We were just hi/bye friends. You would just sometimes asked me for a pencil, I would just sometimes asked you for your notebook, nothing extra. No feelings, nothing. But somehow along the way, we've gotten closer, and somehow those feelings came, for me that is.

We were just school mates, nothing more. Not even friends, per se. Just mere acquaintances. When walking past each other, we would just give a smile and a nod as a polite gesture. But somewhere out of the blue, you started instant message me on a social network. I would reply as a polite sign whenever you were online. Soon, we started talking more and more as the days pass. Even in school, you would sit beside me during lunch hour and just talk, nothing extra. Sooner or later, I enjoyed the long nights on the social network with you and also the long chats over lunch. Without any warning, I found myself falling for you.

It was scary at first. Not wanting to let anybody know about my feelings for you, I decided to keep quiet. But I guess my actions around you shows a lot to others. Soon, my best friends found out. They kept telling me that it was obvious you liked me too. Sometimes, I do hoped that what they say is true. But in the end, I knew it wasn't.

Once we had a field trip to somewhere I wouldn't even bother to remember, you sat beside me because I was alone. The journey to hour destination was long, so we chatted for quite a long time before I fell asleep slowly. I felt you putting your jacket around me. At that second, I actually believed that you do had a thing for me like what I have for you. But I knew it wasn't true.

One day, I saw you walking with another girl. You didn't see me, but I saw you. I could see from your face you were head over heels in love with this girl. I saw this glint in your eye that confirmed my 'observation'. I bowed my head and walked off before you could see me. I went to a place where nobody was around. I knew I was naive to think that way. I felt my whole self just vanished. I sank into my knees and just sobbed silently, quietly scolding me for being so gullible. 'Why hadn't I followed my brain? Why did I let my heart take control?' I knew that there wasn't anything 'extra' between us. My mind knew that from earlier on, but it had been tricked by my heart who was saying, 'Of course there is something between the two of you! Time will show.' I guess, I had been tricked, by my own self.

Friday, June 15, 2012

He had moved on, so must I...

Just sitting there at the balcony seat, looking at the sky above. Fingers tracing across the smooth surface of the pendant on my neck. The necklace given by him. Thinking about the necklace alone made me feel like someone just stole a piece of your soul away. My mind wasn't going to let me go, it started to bring me back into the past, letting me feel the simultaneous emotions of both joy and pain. Fighting hard to control my emotions and my mind, not trying to let it wander off again. Eventually, I gave up, and just let it go back in time...

I remember nervously waiting for the time to pass. I remember fidgeting in nervously. Not knowing what to expect. Sometimes, I am not even conscious of the old habit of biting the bottom of my lower lip. I was waiting, hoping that you would come, just nervously sitting on the cushion seats. The whole theater  became darker. All around me was dark. I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, I felt your presence near me. "Hey, sorry I'm late." You swiftly sank into the chair next to me. I had this tiny smile when I know you had come. There was this awkward silence I felt. Maybe not awkward as we were suppose to be quiet when watching the show. Half way through the show, I felt something place into my hand. "I wanted to give this to you..." It was just a tiny package. My curious mind played up, wanted to open it there and then, somehow, I could control myself not to do so. Soon after, you just held my hand throughout the whole show. Sometimes, just tilting towards me, asking me whether was I alright. As the show ended, and just right before the lights came back on, you kissed me, something that caught me off guard. Everything from there on was just a blur, reality, but it felt like somewhat a dream. 

Back home, I opened the small package. Inside, I found a heart-shaped accessory, a letter, a song, and a necklace. I read the letter, and it just somewhat made me cry in the middle of reading it. Not sure I can remember why though. I remember holding onto the necklace from then till now. No doubt all of that had been put behind in the past, it still stuck with me. I remember everything from the start till the end, but I'm not sure you do. 

Just staring out into the sunset, a tear ran down my cheek, I wiped it off. Knowing that this had been happening on a certain basis, I told myself, 'He had moved on, so must I...' But I know clearly, that it is hard to do so. You left with a piece of me, hurting. You came back trying to give back the piece to my near-recovered wound.

*To write it out, is to forget about all of it for eternity...*