Tuesday, December 18, 2012

April

Slowly waddling into the quiet meadow, clutching my cardigan, holding the hem of my dress, walking carefully. I breathe in the fresh air. I felt a kick in my belly. Relax little baby...I know you are hungry... I took a bright red apple from my bag and had a bite. I found a bench and sat there. Enjoying the sight of the little ducklings swimming in the pond with their mother. I remembered being really ecstatic and overjoyed when I was told by my doctor that I was pregnant. So was Samuel.

Samuel and I was married for 2 and a half years. Our marriage was not accepted by me parents because Samuel is a soldier serving the nation. But there wasn't a need to go back to the war field at that moment. They still didn't want their only daughter to go running off with a man who doesn't have a decent job. So, I left them and went to marry Samuel.

I knew Samuel for 5 years before we were married. During the time when Samuel was off the war field, he worked as a clerk. I knew that he was the one to live for the rest of my life with. I knew I was the happiest woman on Earth when I said 'I do' in front of God, family and friend.

Being married to Samuel for the 2 and a half years was the best I have ever had. I love him, and I could feel that he loves me too. He taught me a lot. He taught me how to make the best lasagna, he taught me how to play basketball, he taught me

I remember one morning waking up running straight to bathroom. I was retching into the toilet bowl. Samuel was so worried about me. "Kelly, are you okay?! Do you need to see a doctor?" Before I could answer, I blacked out.

The next thing I saw was Samuel's face. "Hey Sam..." He ran straight to me side. "Oh my goodness Kelly...You gave me a fright there just now." I noticed then that I was in an unfamiliar room. "Samuel...where are we?" I was looking around the room. Before Samuel could answer anything, Doctor Fredric came in. "You are in the hospital..." I was worried. Is something wrong with me? Am I sick? "Don't look so worried, Mrs. Nelson... Well, since both you and you husband are here, I would like to tell you the good news." He continued, "Congratulations Mister and Missus Nelson, you both are expecting a healthy child next April..." I was overjoyed when I heard the news, so was Samuel. "Kelly! Oh my goodness! I can't believe it! You are pregnant!" At that moment, I, too, was not believing.

The first trimester of my pregnancy was a very adventurous ride. Morning sickness was a mad thing. Waking up every morning, retching in the toilet. Even Samuel was worried for me. .Then, I had the cravings, especially for red apples. I remember waking up one night asking Samuel, "Sam? I am hungry..." I saw him rubbing his eyes and yawning. "What do you want?" he whispered. "I want some red apples..." I remember him being wide eyed.

After the first couple of months, my belly started to show its baby bump. We decided to find out the gender of our child. We went to the doctor to get an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, I could see the face of the doctor. "You will have a daughter!" Samuel was happy! He kept on saying, "We are going to have a little girl! A little princess!" I was so happy till I was actually crying tears of joy!

But joy was soon to be cut short. Samuel was called back to the army. The last few weeks before he gets deployed was sad. I remember him building a small chair for our daughter. It was painted white with little pink flowers. It was beautiful for our little girl.

The day he gets deployed to the war zone was the saddest. Donned in his army uniform and carrying his bag in front of the flight area. I was crying my eyes out, I didn't want Samuel to leave. Samuel smiled sadly and said, "Kelly, don't cry...I will be back soon. You and our daughter must wait for me, alright?" He kissed me and kissed my swollen belly of 5 and a half months. I waved sadly at him, never knowing that was the last I saw him, alive.

It was only after 2 months when I had gotten the dreaded call. "Missus Nelson? I am sorry to inform you that your husband, Mr. Samuel Nelson had died in combat..." In an instant, I screamed in dismay. Tears fell.

In less than a week, Samuel's body was sent back home to be buried. When I saw his cold body sleeping in the coffin, I couldn't take it any longer. I broke down and cried.

I was given whatever Samuel had when he was shot during combat. It was his wallet and a letter. I opened the envelope. As I read, I cried.

All that was in the past. I am due to give birth any time now. But I still wanted to see the ducklings. I opened the letter again and read it, even thought I had read it so many times that I could recite it by heart, but I still wanted to read it again.

"Dear Kelly,

Hey there, my beautiful wife. I know this is really unexpected, but I had the sudden urge to write to you. I know you must have a hard time moving around now since out little girl is getting bigger day by day.

Every night I always wonder what would our little princess would look like. Would she have your twinkling eyes? My dimples? Your smile maybe? All I know is, she will be the most beautiful child.

I had been thinking of names for our little girl. My bunk mates thought of Isabella, Catherine, Helena, Samantha and many more. But I thought of a much more simple and beautiful name, April. April is the month she will be born. Simple and full of meaning.

I am waiting for the both of you, my two precious jewels. Remember, I am always there.

Loved,
You beloved husband and father,
Samuel Jaccob Nelson"

I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I stood up and walked towards the pond. A breeze came, I felt invisible hands hugging me from behind. I knew it was Samuel, especially when little April kicked me again.

Hey little April, feel those hands hugging you? Its daddy. He came to see you.

This is the photo that inspired this story. Found it from facebook.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Priority and Options

I had a boyfriend previously, he was sweet, loving, caring too. He made me feel special and unique, unlike the way how I see myself before I met him. He made me feel happy, every second. But something happened between the two of us and we broke off after a year. Those twelve months was the best, but what followed after was hell.

I tried to forget him after that, I tried, but he decided to still keep in contact with me, I agreed too. We could talk for hours and hours and even text too. I know deep down I still love him and all but I knew deep down I had to stop this nonsense and move on.

I felt as thought as we could work this all out, all the problems we faced that led us to the break up point, because I feel that we both still love each other. I remember telling him, "Hey, I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but I still love you..." I was waiting for a positive reply of agreement or at least a mild rejections but I got non. "I don't know. I am still very confused..." So I gave him time.

Five months passed and we still go through our daily messages. I asked again, and the same reply was given, "I am confused..." I tried to reason with him, tell him that I know I felt that he has feelings for me. "Well, I know that. But the reason the both of us we are in this situation is because of you, you led me into the break up..."

Those words stung me deep, even till now. I tried to forget him, but I still couldn't. I tried to move on, but I still couldn't. I want to the answer rather than being led on to nowhere. But I still waited.

We tried to be as normal as we could, but I knew very well. It is either we get together and forget whatever that happened before, or we lose each other, even as friends, and back to strangers again.

I started to feel annoyed, but maybe it is not right to feel so. Since I wasn't his girlfriend anymore, but still, telling me your childhood crushes, your current crushes and your problems with your feelings to me? It is as bad as me beginning of our relationship talking about my ex. I was just trying to get used to your presence as my boyfriend then, was it a mistake to do so? Maybe. I am sorry if it was.

It was only until at one time he texted me, "The reason why I couldn't move on, is because of you..."

That was the end, I totally went hysteria. I was literally heartbroken, all the blames you put on me, I had enough. I know you wouldn't remember all the blames you said, even this, but I remember them as clear as the morning dew.

But I feel very foolish, to think that we would ever get back. But I am foolish, because I am waiting for you like a fool. I feel led on, betrayed, after I see that you loved someone else without settling our problems. I feel he doesn't deserve my wait anymore for his uncertainties.

Maybe I loved you far too much to be willing enough to wait for your decision. But like a wise person who said, "Don't make someone a priority, when they make you an option."

I swear to God I will never wait for you to toy my feelings and push me around and let you hurt me. I was foolish before, but never now, when it comes to you.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Dear Future Self

I was cleaning my stack of boxes and papers in my storage room when I found an envelope. It was addressed to 'My Future Self'. I remembered when I was 15, I had written a letter to the older me to ask for 'advice'. Yeah, I know. I was very naïve. I couldn't remember the details of the letter, so I decided to opened it.

"Dear older self,

I really don't know what to do...I am frustrated. I am slowly failing my studies. I am losing my boyfriend. My parents are not listening to me. I feel as if I have nothing in this world. I don't think I will ever find a better boyfriend than Mike. I feel as if mum and dad are not supporting my decision in my future dream career. I feel as if my life is so useless and boring... Please tell me if my life will turn for the best in the future...please.

From,
The 15 year old me."

I actually laughed at the letter. Then I had a thought, 'What if I reply to this letter?'

So, I took out my pen and a piece of paper and started writing...

"Dear my 15 year old self,

I know you were frustrated, you are not sure what to do. I understand everything. You were just in your teens. You were rebellious. Mum and Dad are just trying to help you stay at the right path. I mean, c'mon, being a stripper at a club isn't the best choice of career, is it? Your life wasn't boring and useless, you are just waiting for something more interesting to focus at.

And Mike, well, he is an ass, you just haven't opened your eyes yet. I know you love him all, but you have no idea how is he really like. He is just using you as a rebound. I can assure you that you will find a good guy. Yes, I can say now that you will get you heart crushed for a few more times, but after that, you will find a great guy. You will get married with a guy you truly love and have a spectacular job and career.

I think I will give you a little hint about him.

Your Mr. Right will hold you tight when the thunder strikes because he know that you are terrified of the thunderstorm. He will help you massage you ankle when you sprained it. He will hold you tightly while the both of you dance. He would hug you when you cry. He would kiss you whenever you want. And he would take the trouble to do a handmade ring and proposed to you during you birthday party by the seaside, something you had hoped since you were a child. Yeap, he is the one.

So don't worry about all this and just live life to the fullest, everything would fall in its place, just be patient and let God take the wheel.

Love,
The 25 years old 'future' me."

I smiled and placed the letter together with the earlier letter. Suddenly, I felt someone looking over my shoulder, with a hand on my waist.

"Ready to go, my beautiful bride to be?" Jordan said. I smiled and said, "Of course my handsome groom to be." I kissed him on the lips as I kept the papers back into the box.

'No worries, my younger self, you are in good hands...'

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Dandelions

I knew Will from college. He is the sweetest guy I have ever known. We both had mutual interests and same hobbies that had us get along right from the start.

Soon, we fell for each other and found out about the feelings. And then we got together. I remember going to the countryside to look at the beautiful nature there. We could spend the whole day lying down there, talking. That was the kind of dates we would go to.

Will was a shy boy and I knew that too. I was the more talkative one. I remember one day when I was telling him about something uninteresting I saw him taking out something shiny, it was a ring hanging from a metal chain. From his shy demeanour, I knew he had a hard time trying to give that necklace to me. But I waited for the day he would.

I remember also that he told me he wanted to intern at a construction side near his uncle's place. "Do you really have to go?" I whined. He laughed and tap his finger cheekily on my nose, "I will just be there for the summer, and its very near too. Just a half an hour taxi ride..."

He must have noticed my pouting face when he plucked a dandelion and showed it to me. "When you miss me, just think of a dandelion. Blow it and you will see many tiny dandelions floating around you. Just imagined me as the tiny dandelions floating around you. You will never feel lonely." He cheekily blew the dandelions in front of my face. I squealed and chased after him. But I never thought that that would be the last time I ever had fun with him.

One rainy day, I have gotten a call from Will's sister, "Janice, Will is in trouble...you better come to the hospital, quick..." Her voice had the tinge of worriedness that made my heart squeeze in a bad way. I got my car keys and wallet, and drove as far as I could.

I ran towards the ICU when I reached. I must have looked like a hysteria with the stormy wind that caught my hair. I found Michelle, Will's sister at the waiting room. "Janice, what am I to do? I'm scared..." She was sobbing waterfalls, I tried to asked her what happened. Slowly, she told me everything.
Will had a terrible accident at the site. He had saved another man's life by letting the steel bars fall on Will while he was covering him. He suffered a very bad head injury and was bleeding profusely.
I fely scared all of the sudden, afraid of losing him, scared of what lies in the near future of matter of minutes. I hoped and prayed he would be alright. But my prayers weren't answered.

The surgeon came out, telling the both of us Will's life is slowly slipping away. We both ran into his ward. I crashed at the side of his bed, crying my eyes out.

"Will! Don't leave me!" I cried. Michelle couldn't even speak a word.

I saw him giving me a weak smile. He whispered softly, "Janice, I am sorry. I want to stay with you forever but I know my time is soon be up. Soon I will not be breathing anymore. I am sorry..."
I cried and sobbed, "Will, please...don't go... I do anything, anything! Just don't leave me!"

My vision was blurred by my tears, my voice weak and hoarse. I saw Will holding something in his hand. It was the necklace.

The last words he spoke was, "I'm sorry, Janice. I love you..." And he breathe his last.
Michelle and I were a wrecked for months. We were grief stricken by Will's death.

I wore the necklace he gave me and had never taken it off. I miss Will dearly and cried constantly whenever I thought of him. But I would always go to the meadows at the countryside where it is filled with pretty dandelions. I know Will is still with me, wherever he is.

Clinging

Did I lost you because I was too attached to you?
I loved you and wanted to be loved too,
I am sorry if any of this had cause the break up.
But I am not letting myself be the blame.


Dammit, I am really losing myself. I really need to get rid of you out of my system, or to get rid of myself.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dear Diary


(All this, is not real)
Dear Diary,

I want to end this chapter of my life with a bittersweet one, so let’s get started:

I was sitting at the balcony with him, leaning on his shoulder. He was playfully stroking my hair while I was deep in thought. “What are you thinking, dear?” he asked. I was reluctant to tell him what I was thinking but eventually gave in, “I was wondering…well, why on earth you liked me from the beginning?” He was still playing with my hair, when he suddenly replied, “Well, I just like you…”

I moved away from him and looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean?” I asked. “Like what I had just said, I just like you…” I could see he was a little annoyed. “Care to explain that? Because all I remember was that you hated my gut before you tried to become my friend…”

“Well, I liked you personality…you had a very different personality from the people I know. You looked tough on the outside, but deep down, you are a very kind person, lovable, cute also. To be honest, I really didn’t know why I fell for you…maybe, I just liked you.”

He kissed me on the forehead and hugged me. “I know I will never find the same person like you…”

I knew I liked him too. But I also know that he is not the one. True enough, he wasn’t.

I couldn’t stand the way he is, he always never thinks before he talks, and most of the time, the words he says makes me upset. And he doesn’t know why. Some things that are not my fault, he blames me for it, until I really cannot stand it any longer.

But I do miss the times when we were together, he would help me when I am in need, he would make me feel special, he would be there when I need him. I always felt safe when he hugged me, even though I was never a fan of hugs or embraces.

I guess the only thing I remember about him the best was during the time when we both decided to stay at the city till late at night, during New Year’s Eve. It was weird to be there, sitting by the fountain. We were looking at the late night sky, just waiting for the fireworks. We told each other that we wanted to make a wish and then tell each other. Suddenly at the stroke of midnight, the fireworks came and went. Both of us closed our eyes, him hugging me. After a couple of seconds, I heard him asked, “So, what’s your wish?” I cocked my head to a side and said, “Well, I just want this to not end…” Then I turned to look at you, “What’s your wish?”

He gave a thought and said, “Well, you wanted to stop time and wish this was forever. I want more things like these to happen every time.” And with time, he kissed me, the first time. It was weird, but who cares.

I guess I was too engrossed at being with you that I let myself get hurt far too many times. You blamed me for ridiculous things. You blamed me for not letting you move on after we had broken up, you blamed me that I was confusing you, you blamed me for not ignoring you after we had broken up, have you ever thought of me?

Have you ever thought of the ways you had toyed with my feelings? Have you ever thought of the words you had hurt me with and why it had hurt me? You will never know how many times I forgave you or even tried to forgive you.

I guess maybe it is my fault. But it’s too late to change any of that now.

 I am sorry, but I still love you.

 

This will be the final chapter of my life with you, I know I will miss you. Bye.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Conversation

Guy: Hey, I haven't had the time to catch up with you, what's up?

I saw this on my social network account. I was not sure whether to reply him, especially after so long.

Guy: Hey, you there?
Me:  Hey there. I am fine.
Guy: It has been awhile since I last chat with you.
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Are you still mad at me?

I was. But I didn't want to let him know so, I will just have to lie.

Me: No. I'am all fine. I am getting used to the new chapter in my life. I am trying to forget the past and move on. Finding new habits, using back old ones. Yeap, I am fine.

I dreamt all this the night before. I got up with a tear stained face. I guess I do have problems getting over you.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Sigh

Shedding a tear every night,
Doesn't make me any less weaker.
Thinking of you every time,
Does make me trying to forget you more.

All the constant memories that comes up,
Is just making me wonder whether I shouldn't have lose you in the first place.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

<3

Looking at the same thing, but seeing it completely different <3

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Telling Myself

Telling myself to stay away from you,
Everyday trying to not think of you,
Telling myself you are better off without me,
But just getting even more upset.

On any social network,
Trying to stay away from your past messages,
Telling myself it would hurt me once again,
But half of 'What's on my mind?' posts are all about you.

Maybe you would move on easier compared to me,
If I leave you alone.
But I know I have even more problems getting used to not have you anymore.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

The Swings


Sitting on the swing, letting the cold air touch my warm cheeks covered with the tear stains. I knew at that moment I made a bad move, a wrong choice. Now, I feel all alone.

 It was at the same place where I decided to end all of it. It was the first place where we met too, by the swings. I met Drew when I was 6. We were playing at the swings and soon enough we became good friends. All through our childhood up till we were 16, we always played by the swings, it was kind of like our favourite hangout place.

Since my 15th birthday, I had a little crush on Drew. Yeah, I know. Crush on the best friend type of thing. But somehow, I found out he liked me too. That was when I was 16. It was then when we got together. For 3 whole years we dated, we kissed, we hugged, we laughed, we cried, we did practically everything. It was the best feeling to have your best friend be your boyfriend, but at some point, I have no idea what got into me.

There was this period of time when I felt very tied down in this relationship and I am not sure why, even till now. I kept bringing on fights and quarrels over stupid reasons. That period was just 4 months when I decided to call it quits.

It was at the swing where I broke off with him.

Both of us were on the swings when I said, “Drew, I feel like we should end this...” I saw the shock in his eyes. “Why?” I just shook my head. Whatever happened after that was all a blur. I remember telling him, “We could be friends again, right?” He just mumbled a yes and left. Since then, we never really became friends. He shied away from me when I tried to talk to him, go near him, be with him. I felt very sad and regretful.

I got to my senses that I still love him. I would constantly text him and call him, but he never ever did reply my calls or messages. During his 20th birthday, I wanted to surprise him with a cupcake. I went up to his street to give it to him. But before I got up to his porch, I saw another girl at the doorbell. Then, I saw Drew opened the door and gave the girl a kiss. It was then I felt I had completely lost him. I threw the cake on the ground and ran, ran towards the swings. I sat there for hours, just crying.

It was nightfall already when I finally stopped crying. I knew it was my fault to ever let him go. Even till now.