Now I am really have no control over myself. Over what I think, what I used to know, what I feel, or even what I want to know. Seriously. This is madness.
I don't know what am I feeling now. Or maybe I don't want to know? Or maybe I do know it, but I don't want to confront it? What the hell, I am making myself confuse and miserable. I hate whatever I am feeling now. Its not that I don't know or even if I know what I am feeling, its that I hate whatever I am feeling. For him. Period.
Its like suddenly falling for him for no apparent reason. Why...I really do hate this feeling. Is it even love? Okay, fine. Even if I really do like him, then what? Its like someone is playing one god damn cruel of a trick. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am a girl, and he is a boy. So its simple and easy. No quite. So what if I really do like him? It doesn't mean that he likes me too....
Yeah, pretty sure this is what's making confuse, mad, not sure of what I am feeling. Its the feelings. He gets me happy, excited, jealous, sad, confused, mad, and even scared. I am pretty sure what I am feeling now is pretty real, as real as it can be. Or maybe as real as a unicorn. But pretty real.
What I don't want to know, but secretly do, is whether does he feel the same way? Not knowing that little part of this equation is killing my every single cell in my mind. I think of it night and day, those emotions torture me every time, especially when I am with him and without him. I enjoy being with him nearby and all, but it kills me too, to know whether he likes me too... He is in my mind every waking moment, every sleepy thought. He doesn't know this.
He doesn't need to know. He must never know. I mean, why should he? Its not like he will ever like me. And what if he does found out that I have feelings for him? He might just move away from me. And I lose him like that.
Make up to me is not enhancing my best features, but more like covering up whatever I feel insecure about, basically every part of me.
Every moment of my time awake, I wait for his call, his text, just to know about his day, to hear his voice, to hear him laugh. But when he does message me, I take forever to reply. Why? To not seem to eager, so desperate, so needy. I try to play hard to get. But I don't think its ever working.
Whenever I am with him, I feel happy, like not a care in the world. This scares me. He may mean the world to me, but I may be worthless to him. How do you not feel afraid of that?
One moment, I feel like telling him how I feel about him, but the next moment, I don't. I can't. Why? Telling him would only scare him away. There's like a damn slim chance of two people falling for the same person at the right moment and the right place.
He might really leave me when he finds out about it, and think that I am mad. All I ever want is to love...and be loved.
I wish really, he feels the same way about me.
//Well basically, this goes through my mind when I have a really deep crush on someone. Seriously, it goes through my mind as a constant mental torture. Not as painful as a breakup though. But then, painful enough. But I left that behind now. I don't want to bother much about things like this. Spare me the mental and emotional torture...//
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