7 Stages

You know, when a person looks back in a relationship they were in, is only when they have broken up. I don't think anyone looks back into a relationship, remembering every single little detail. Nobody in a good relationship would do that, only the ones who misses it.

I watched a video just a couple of hours ago. And it was how this main actress move on from a break up and how to forget about it. She mentioned the 7 stages of a break up:

Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Denial
Stage 3: Isolation
Stage 4: Anger
Stage 5: Bargaining
Stage 6: Depression
Stage 7: Acceptance

I somehow find it very true. Well, in my 1st relationship though. I did go through all 7 stages one after the other. I remembered the shock I felt when the relationship was going downhill. I knew it was coming, but I denied whatever I thought wouldn't happen. When it did, I literally just pull everything I thought I once knew back to my own thoughts, my own mental prison. And well, the anger did come. You have no idea how much I told myself that I have gotten over him, I've moved on. But in reality, I haven't. The depression came soon after. The moments when I could cry at night until I no longer can. How I close my own feelings to other people around me. Then, I accept the fact that whatever happened, has gone. Yeah. That was how it went.

But it did not go like that in my 2nd one.

I didn't received the shock of a break up, because I was the one who wanted to break it off. But I did see the denial. I thought whatever happened, is not real. Like, how could it? Then, I have anger. That was prominent, but it did not happened for a short period of time. Well, it was like a tug-o-war, I fell back for him for too many times. So the anger comes back from time to time. When I really know it was over, whatever I felt was gone, isolation stepped in. I literally just put myself in that mental prison of thoughts. I accepted the fact he was no longer mine. And that was the painful part. Best of all, I fell into deep depression. I kept having thoughts of the past with him come up every waking moment. I thought I was getting better, but in a far fetched reality, I haven't.

I am still working on accepting what has happened, even though we did officially broke off 30 months ago. But mentally my mind have just left the depression stage and into accepting.

The video was good nevertheless. And I came across an article saying, "Find a man who loves you more". Twice I did, twice it didn't worked out. So, what now? Still following that same route? Because, in both of my past relationships, the guy fell for me first, then only then I learned to love them. But I got deeply, both mentally and emotionally, attached to them that I have such a hard time to move on.

So, what now?