Yeaps...

I read an article a couple of days ago, it hit me hard to be honest. It was saying that whether did you really fall in love truly or falling in love because of loneliness? To be honest, I don't really know whether have I ever done the first? But I sure know I did the latter.

My first relationship, was a producy of curiosity of 2 adolescents. By that I mean, we were both curious. And maybe there were feelings involved, can't remember the little details, but I know I have grown to love him then.

It was somewhat a long distanced relationship to me at that time. I was 12 going on to 13. He was a year older then. My parents didn't agree to having crushes let alone a relationship, so we don't meet at all during school days and week nights. Only on Sundays, and maybe Saturdays sometimes. His parents were okay with the idea of him in a relationship. Puppy love, they said. He had his short temperedness I have to endure (and literally fight about). I had him as my biggest secret to hide for 4 effing years. So yeah, it was never fine and dandy.

We have some bad days and also pretty awesome 'good' days. Those bad days I used to call them as 'off days'. Meaning? Total silent treatment. Hahah. I don't want to reach into that, because he still reads this blog I have here. Those good days? Well, little rituals we have. We never go on 'dates'. We hang out. Our little hang outs consists of archery, bowling, movies, just walk around the mall, hang out at his place are a few. Oh yeah, and me doing his English homework.

We have special days too. One of them was his prom night. And those little casual night when he invites me and his friends for a game night of such. He knows I have a tinge of claustrophobic in me. Well, actually he notices that first. I avoid physical contact like holding hands for example or go in crowds. I normally scatter off or feel giddy. This used to tick him off at the start. But now he understands.

Well, get back to the topic. Yeah, I have really fallen for this dude. But, I didn't fall for him when we got together first. So, I can't really say that I love him from the start till the end. But I love him from the moment I did, even till now.

When he left for migration, I felt lost. Heck, I WAS LOST. Its like a missing piece left and I had no direction in life anymore. I became depressed. I guess my next relationship came in too fast in my heart broked depressed state.

The next guy was sweet and such. I knew too many not needed info of him when we became acquainted. But no need for that. Slowly, I think I fell for him also. And he found out about that. He said he felt the same too, and well, we got together. I felt very happy then. Maybe because that empty void was filled.

He was okay I guess. He was older than the first. a year older than the first. Deem more experienced? Maybe. More mature? Not likely. He has the worst level of jealousy. I have guy friends also. And what's more? He tries to make me jealous. I let you to decide whether is that suppose to me okay.

He and I, that is a long distanced relationship. Throughout my 1 year relationship with him, I only met him officially as his girlfriend once. In my high school choir's musical. He is from Sarawak Kuching, but was studying at Seremban at that time. Which reminds me, before I started dating him, I knew he was leaving for the UK for furthur studies, and yet I even agreed to get together with him. And I was like anti LDR by then. That is what love does to people. Make 'em blind.

During that one time he met me, he knew I was afriad still of physical contact unless I am very comfortable with the dude. Yet, he still wanna try his luck. He was damn lucky we were in public and my Pet sis was there. If not he would get a slap from me.

To be honest, these are all not the worst points of him. The worst was after we broke up.

We broke off because he was leaving. I can't stand the 10 hour time difference. To be honest, writing this out is still painful. But I wanna get this out in the light.

Normal people would stop any contact of each other after breaking off.

Not him. He said he wanna keep in contact like we used to. Used to. Used to was when we were dating. We did not become friends before we started dating. Just mere acquaintance. So, he said let's try to be friends. Hell that was hard because he wasn't treating me like one. More like his gf with benefits. He knew I still love him then. But I kept quiet. Bad idea. I asked him one day whether do we wanna try this again. I was giving a LDR a chance. He said, 'I think I have fallen for another...' That was a fucking blow to me. But it was not the last. I fell for my roommate, I fell for my coursemate, I fell for my friend. yadayadayada....

I was stringed, toyed, emotionally tempered with for another extra year and a half before I decided to block all contact from him.

Getting back to the topic, yeah, I had been in love because of being alone. And maybe truly I was in love once. But, all relationships are never perfect to me. I know that well enough. But don't ever string me along. Its painful.

Now, I am happy and single. With weird feelings of like falling for someone in my uni. But, I am pushing all that away. I am letting it go naturally.

One, Two, Three

I took the lock and the key, ready to snap the lock shut. "Do you want to like, write something on the lock before locking it?" I looked at him just for a moment before saying, "Yeah... why not?"

We were at the Love Lock bridge, Pont des Arts, Paris. It was on out to-go list when we got together 4 years back. And now we are.

He took out a marker from his pocket. "So, what do you wanna write?" I shrugged. Without hesitating, he scribbled something on our light blue padlock. It read,

Al ♥ Ms

Our initials. It was plain. It was simple. And I liked it. I took the pen away from him and wrote at the back of the lock:

Forever, no matter what.

I took the lock from him, blowing the wet ink to dry.

Meeting him was by chance to be honest.

I was at a cafe, my book opened, a piece of lemon cheesecake and a cup of tea. And he was just opposite of me. We exchanged glances before he decided to come over to say  And just like that, that's how both of us, to complete strangers meet, and eventually fell in love.

Over the years, we are still as close as ever.

"Ready to lock it?" he asked. I smiled and gave a nod. We found a spot where out padlock would stand out from the others and lock it.

"You wanna throw it?" he asked again, handing me the key. "Why not we do it, together."

We stood with our backs facing the river.

One, two, three. There goes the key, into the water.

(I wrote this because I forgot to upload during Vday. And no, it did not happen. I am sitting in my uni's cafe, finished a cheesecake, supposong revising my theory textbook with a cup of hot English Tea. I got this idea from my first relationship when he and I then really do a to-go list when we entered out second year being together. I guess I am writing what would happened if we really are at the bridge. Well, I guess we won't, after all. Anyways, happy belated Vday guys.)

I wanna leave

I feel so exhausted. So tired. I don't see improvements. I see so many obstacles ahead of me. Today in mass, I told God that I have decided to put all things that are pulling me down, making me frustrated, making me feel like giving up, all to him. But I feel like I am letting go everything. Why can't I just be average? At least better than poor. I am so down. So much in mental exhaustion and pain. I really just want to leave and go. Pack my bags and get on a jet plane. Let the world make peace with my troubled soul. Or at least have one person who cares, and tell me is alright. Sigh.

At the Wrong Moment

Well, what can I say? I guess I've waited too long. I guess I was too chicken to confess to her earlier. I guess, I was too late.

I knew there was something going on between the both of us. The occasional wink, the flirtateous smile, the sudden nudge in the ribs or the stinging pain of a punch in the arm. If those weren't 'something', then what is.

In the back of my mind, the constant humming of 'TELL HER. TELL HER'. But the other counter reply was, 'NO...' I knew better. I didn't tell her then. But all the flirts went on.

Until on the day before Valentine's day, I did.
'Hey Lydia? What are you going to do tomorrow?' She gave a silent flip through her mental calender. 'Erm...nothing. Why?'

It now or never.

'Well, I kinda have this sort of feelings for you...and well, I wanna ask if you wanna get some dinner and watch a movie after that tomorrow?'

I saw a sad but awkward smile. I knew that I was screwed.

'I'm sorry...I don't know how to say this, but, I actually thought I have fallen for you awhile back...but I didn't know whether was I just feeling all that by myself...now, I don't feel anything at all...I'm sorry.'

What is it like in my mind in the past...

Now I am really have no control over myself. Over what I think, what I used to know, what I feel, or even what I want to know. Seriously. This is madness.

I don't know what am I feeling now. Or maybe I don't want to know? Or maybe I do know it, but I don't want to confront it? What the hell, I am making myself confuse and miserable. I hate whatever I am feeling now. Its not that I don't know or even if I know what I am feeling, its that I hate whatever I am feeling. For him. Period.

Its like suddenly falling for him for no apparent reason. Why...I really do hate this feeling. Is it even love? Okay, fine. Even if I really do like him, then what? Its like someone is playing one god damn cruel of a trick. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am a girl, and he is a boy. So its simple and easy. No quite. So what if I really do like him? It doesn't mean that he likes me too....

Yeah, pretty sure this is what's making confuse, mad, not sure of what I am feeling. Its the feelings. He gets me happy, excited, jealous, sad, confused, mad, and even scared. I am pretty sure what I am feeling now is pretty real, as real as it can be. Or maybe as real as a unicorn. But pretty real.

What I don't want to know, but secretly do, is whether does he feel the same way? Not knowing that little part of this equation is killing my every single cell in my mind. I think of it night and day, those emotions torture me every time, especially when I am with him and without him. I enjoy being with him nearby and all, but it kills me too, to know whether he likes me too... He is in my mind every waking moment, every sleepy thought. He doesn't know this.

He doesn't need to know. He must never know. I mean, why should he? Its not like he will ever like me. And what if he does found out that I have feelings for him? He might just move away from me. And I lose him like that.

Make up to me is not enhancing my best features, but more like covering up whatever I feel insecure about, basically every part of me.

Every moment of my time awake, I wait for his call, his text, just to know about his day, to hear his voice, to hear him laugh. But when he does message me, I take forever to reply. Why? To not seem to eager, so desperate, so needy. I try to play hard to get. But I don't think its ever working.

Whenever I am with him, I feel happy, like not a care in the world. This scares me. He may mean the world to me, but I may be worthless to him. How do you not feel afraid of that?

One moment, I feel like telling him how I feel about him, but the next moment, I don't. I can't. Why? Telling him would only scare him away. There's like a damn slim chance of two people falling for the same person at the right moment and the right place.

He might really leave me when he finds out about it, and think that I am mad. All I ever want is to love...and be loved.

I wish really, he feels the same way about me.


//Well basically, this goes through my mind when I have a really deep crush on someone. Seriously, it goes through my mind as a constant mental torture. Not as painful as a breakup though. But then, painful enough. But I left that behind now. I don't want to bother much about things like this. Spare me the mental and emotional torture...//