Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Despite the fact...

"You sure you have to go?"

"Yeah, as if I want to. You know I don't..."

Honestly, I hate listening to conversations like that. I have had those before. And it hurts.

I remember sitting across him, on the day of his departure, while sharing a cup of coffee or two. We had been together for quite some time now, a couple of years here and there. But once I found out he plans to further his studies overseas, I knew it had to end.

"People always says its mutual. But we all know it isn't always that."

"But, is ours mutual?"

I am not even sure. I remember being utterly happy to know he got into the school he plans to further his studies at, but deep inside, a part of me just died. Because he and I know very well, I do not take long distance well. I remember sitting down, just telling him, "I think we need to talk..."

And whatever I said after that was long gone. I could remember how his eyes turned from being puzzled, to surprised, then those sad eyes come next. I remember myself crying, even though I was the one who decided to end it.

"I guess, you could say ours is mutual..."

It hurts to break up when you know very well you are still in love.

"Maybe, I could come back during the summer and the holidays?" he said.

"Yeah, maybe I could do that too, after I finish my final semester, I could fly over and spend the holidays with you..."

I could see his eyes lit up when I mentioned that.

"But...Maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore...it will be good for us anyway..."

An awkward silence looms for awhile after that. His hand still holds onto mine, across the coffee table, like how it always has been.

I remember how he just suddenly, by accident, tells me he loves me out of the blue. And how he tries so hard to take whatever he has said back, but fails rather miserably. I also remember how he respects my personal space and how I am just so terrified with physical contact, and decides to just kiss me on the forehead. And how he knows me for me, and not how I wants others to see and know me as. That is what I love about him. And still do, despite what the future holds for us.

"Maybe when you get there, you might find another girl who is better than me in so many ways...and maybe I might start dating again..."

"Why do you say that?" he looked at me with those really sad eyes again.

"I mean...what would we be doing then?"

He just looked at me sadly with a side sad grin.

He drew tiny circles on my palm with his thumb, like he always used to.

We both heard the flight announcement for his flight, gates were open and he needs to board soon.

I remember being a daze for both of us walking towards the departure gate. But little did I noticed, he was still holding onto my hand.

In front of the gate, both of us didn't want to let go. "Hey...you know you need to go..." He just nods. "You knows its for the best right? For us to not be attached? Since its not going to work out even if we ever tried..." He lets out a sigh, and nodded. I gave him a hug, he gave me a kiss on the forehead, it may only be just a couple of minutes, but, its felt long enough for me to take back my words and asks him not to leave.

Holding his carry-on on his left and his passport on his right, he dragged his feet towards the departure gate. I see him trying to catch glimpses of me before he no longer could. I tried to smile as long as I could and just wave him goodbye. But once I lost sight of him, I felt tears just constantly streaming down.

Despite the fact I know how much I love him still, but I know it would never work, this long distance relationship of ours. Not because we won't work hard for it, but that we may stepped onto the wrong footing, and eventually break off on a rocky path. Which is something I will never want. It sucks to break up while still being in love.








*Honestly, this had been bugging me for a couple of weeks to pen this down. Or maybe a couple years since my last break up. Had been constantly trying to not feel down and just try as hard to be productive. Despite being off the dating scene 3 years ago, I still feel a certain way, only because I dig deep into my subconscious mind to find memories and feelings to be used for my interpretation for any particular singing piece I am working on. Maybe that's why I can never let go of my past truly. But this is the only way I can put genuine emotions to whatever I am singing. And the fact I do not write much anymore during the last 3-4 years, is also rather tough for me to handle my emotional level. But nevertheless, something after a long hiatus.*

No comments:

Post a Comment